Not Winning or Conquering...Learning Maybe?

There are times when I feel like I am a first time mom just figuring this whole thing out. There are times I know things can go terribly wrong but I insist on doing it my way instead of doing it the way that makes the most sense. Today, I did it my way. The day started out nicely. We went to my bible study where the boys get to go into a preschool like classroom for over two hours. They love it and I love it. Afterwards we hung out with our friends and while the boys ran around playing, I ate lunch with my friends. So far, a wonderful day. Once we were done with lunch we packed up and I decided I really wanted to go to Costco to return the running shoes I bought and a shirt I bought for Phil. It was 12:30 when we left what Alex calls Brown Church. 1:00 is nap time. I know you can see my mistake...I saw the coming doom and I didn't care. We got to Costco, I did my returns, and then I figured we could get a few items we needed and the right sizes we needed for the shoes and the shirt. We got everything, plus some since it's Costco, and we headed for the checkout. I went to pull Alex out of the cart and he started to scream at me, "No, mom! I want to stay in the cart!" A few people turned their heads but no big deal. I tried to explain to Alex that the cart needed to get filled with all of the stuff we were buying. He decided he didn't care about anything and completely lost his mind. He started screaming so loudly now that I knew it was all over. I paid quickly as the lady behind the checkout tried to smile and make me feel better. I pulled the cart to the side and pulled Alex over to me so I could try to calm him down before we walked out the door. He calmed down enough to tell me he had to go potty. At this point I could feel all those eyes of people who have never had kids staring and glaring at me. Alex began to freak out again and I dragged Markus, the cart, and Alex to the potty. He calmed down enough to potty by himself and I thought this whole embarrassing moment, well 10 minutes was over. We went to wash our hands and I accidentally splashed a drop of water on Alex's shirt and pretty much he decided I did it on purpose and began to chastise me. I gave him a paper towel and told him he was fine, that it would dry. He insisted that he must also use the hand dryer. I said no. Then he began to freak out so badly that I realized that my only way out of this was to leave and leave quickly. I tried to pull my cart out of the bathroom and Alex, while screaming, tried to pull the cart back into the bathroom. I tried to pick him up to put him in the cart and he started kicking and fighting me and we were pretty much wrestling. Some poor lady was trying to get the heck out of the bathroom and timed it just right to slip out with out being kicked. While the wresting was happening I thought, maybe someone will call CPS on me. I remember seeing moms go through this before I had kids, and I judged them so harshly that I can't even put on here what I thought of them. So, I did finally get Alex in the cart. Prior to this I had been talking to Alex to try to calm him down but at this point, I gave up. The children, the groceries, and my purse were all in the cart so I began to walk as quickly as I could to the front door. Alex started freaking out worse than I have seen him do in a long time. I had to walk past every single checkout to get to the front door and every single person was looking at us with that judgmental look I used to give moms long ago. It was like slow motion torture. Alex was screaming so loudly I could hear it echo through Costco. I have to admit I just began to laugh. I was so embarrassed and there wasn't a darn thing I could do about it so I just laughed. Everyone must have thought I had lost it right along with Alex. Laughing Mary, screaming Alex, confused Markus. One of the funny things Alex kept screaming at me was, "Mom! You didn't obey me!! You need to stop right now!! I wanted to use the dryer to dry my hands! You didn't obey me!!" As I approached the front door check-er-out-ers I yelled over Alex's screaming, "You better go fast and check me out quickly!" Alex screamed and jumped up and down in the back of the cart all the way to the car and people looked and jeered the whole way. I strapped Markus in his seat, put Alex in the trunk of my car, unloaded the groceries, and jumped in the trunk along with Alex slamming the door behind me. Alex got "in trouble" in the back of the car. What I really wanted to do was leave him at Costco...maybe with those meanies who were making mean faces at me. We talked it out and we got in our seats and we actually made it home alive. He is sleeping now and I probably should be too. Maybe I should go on a walk...to the liquor store...no, no, no just kidding. I know that people have truly horrible things happen in their lives and I am so grateful for my life and my children but sometimes, I just want to put my head in a hole in the ground like the ostriches in the cartoons do.

This was therapy for me. You didn't have to read the whole thing but I so had to write the whole thing. Plus, I need to read this story over and over to remind myself that when it's almost nap time and we have already had a full day, I just need to go home.